Swiss Army Brain

Supermax - Love Machine

If you need, need a one-day lover
Just call 76 54 321/One day lover

If you need me/A two day’s lover
Just call 87 65 432/Two day’s lover.

‘Cause the love/love I will give you
‘Cause the love/the love I will give you
Is sweeter than anything else in the world.

Sweeter - than anything else
In this world
Sweeter - really sweet

I am a love machine in town
The best you can get
50 miles around.

He’s a love machine in town
The best you can get

Firstly, if I’m the lady on the receiving end of the statement “I’m a love machine, the best you can get 50 miles around,” my first thought wouldn’t be “oh this love machine guy must be a good lay” but rather “who’s this dude less than an hour away that The Love Machine is so intimidated by? I bet that guy can fuck.” And by mentioning his main competitor, The Love Machine has inadvertently broken an often-sacred rule of advertising – don’t mention your competition – and in the process has given the 51-mile away lover a free plug.

Or maybe the two had an agreement, and the correspondence went down something like this:

51-Mile-Away Lover (FMAL): Dear The Love Machine, this town is too small for lovers of our caliber. Not to take anything away from your lovemaking technique, but I think you’ll have to agree I am clearly the better sex god between the two if us, so why don’t you move at least 51 miles away in any direction, so we can both maximize our lovemaking efforts and stop stepping over each other’s toes?

The Love Machine – FMAL, while we both have a vast array of lovemaking skills, I am an honest man and cannot deny that, based on your reputation, you are the better lover between us. Upon my departure of this town, out of pure respect for you, I’ll write a song promoting my lovemaking prowess, but also ambiguously mentioning that you are 51 miles away, in case any ladies wanna make a trip to visit you instead of me. Please note I will not mention your specific name or location, but will direct any further inquiries to you. Cuz dude, u sure can fuck (according to your reputation).

FMAL: TLM, I appreciate your honesty, and will surely recommend you in the rare case a lady-friend is interested in a slightly less intense lovemaking session and has enough gas in the tank. Is it true that you are only available for one- and two-day sessions? I hope I’m not being presumptuous there, but I think I recall hearing that somewhere.

The Love Machine: Presumptuous? Not at all. That is the truth. I find one- and two-day sessions to be the most rewarding, and do not wish to lessen my quality of lovemaking at this time with extended sessions. In the past, I have found 3-day+ sessions to be quite exhausting. I’ll admit, after two days my interest does tend to wane. In addition to mentioning my 2-day maximum rule in the song, I will purchase separate phone numbers for my one or two-day sessions. I expect this to be quite costly, and wonder if you might be interested in chipping in on at least a portion of the cost for this. After all, I am uprooting my entire life in order to make this situation better for both of us.

FMAL: I think this is fair, but I can only agree to 20%. I do expect to lose at least a few customers on this, given the ramifications of this song (will it be a hit?, will ladies respond?, etc.). As you know, I operate strictly on word-of-mouth, and do not intend to change this policy. Given the fact that you are incorporating the technological help of the telephone and music industries, 20% is the best I can do. I trust you will find this satisfactory.

The Love Machine: Given our standings as lovemakers, I find this more than fair. Thanks 51-Mile Away Lover. I will be back in touch when I get settled in my new digs, 51 miles away.

At least he’s honest about it.

Though if I were he I would have moved 107 miles away, cuz then you’d have to say “the best u can get, one hundred and seven miles around.” Sounds like a lot more, doesn’t it? And traveling 51 miles isn’t exactly a huge distance to travel for a great lay. There is no location disclosed in the song, but perhaps there weren’t any places available further out. Maybe it was just nothing but strip malls and bingo halls 51 miles out. Either way, it was probably a shrewd move on The Love Machine’s part to go the exact distance FMAL specified. If he’s the progressive lovemaker like I’m assuming, who’s to say he can’t overtake FMAL and become the lover ladies travel to. “Who’s The Fifty-One Mile Away Lover, now?!” Then again, The Love Machine’s addition of the lyric “[My love] Is sweeter than anything else in the world” surely met with contention from FMAL. I imagine the correspondence went something like this:

FMAL: First off thanks, The Love Machine, for sending me a copy of your song, as promised. I really like the beat and the whole feel of the song. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I had to stop playing it during lovemaking sessions because the ladies kept asking who sings it! I can only assume it has helped you in your quest for more lovemaking ventures. Onward and upward! That said, I do have a bone to pick with the claim that “[Your love] Is sweeter than anything else in the world.” Given our previous correspondence where you flat-out admitted I was the better lover, this comes across as disingenuous to me.

The Love Machine: I’m so glad you like the track! I worked really hard on it. Much to my surprise, it has become a huge hit, and as a consequence, I have found myself knee-deep in sexy lovers, so much so that a) I’ve often found myself in situations where the lady-friend is clearly out of my league, (which, I admit, can result in performance issues. But you didn’t hear it from me!), and b) Out of sheer overwhelming response, I’ve had to turn many a lover away. You may have noticed a recent spike in out of town lovers. That is because I recommend you in these instances. In response to your taking umbrage with my superlative lyric, I must plead artistic license. I simply needed another line in there that talked about my sweet lovemaking techniques. I think you’ll understand it would sound quite awkward to sing “[My love] Is sweeter than anything else in the world, except this other guy who will fuck you slightly better not 51 miles from here.” I hope we can still be friends.

FMAL: Wow, thanks for all the extra lovers! I was wondering what’s been going on, as I’ve noticed about an 18% increase in first-time love visitors. Who would’ve guessed that I would also be benefiting from your sexy song! Ironically enough, it has actually caused me to cut my sessions down to no more than 3-days, and if things continue at this pace, I’ll have to even cut that down to 2! To be honest, I hadn’t considered that the lyrics in question were intentionally superfluous. As a full-time lover, I don’t know a lot about music, and given that you and your seductive tune is responsible for the rise in these numbers, who really gives a shit?!

The Love Machine: The pleasure is mine! You know I’m not a possessive guy, so no problem! I’m glad you see that there was no malice intended with those lyrics. I did give it quite a lot of thought as to whether to include them or not because of your possible objection to them. I’m glad it all worked out! I’ve got to go, there’s a lover licking the back of my knees! Awkward, right?! LOL. Keep on pounding!

Also, I’m not exactly sure how the Austrian phone service works, but those seem like obvious fake phone numbers to me. 76 54 321 and 87 65 432? Really? If you gave someone those numbers at a bar, it’d be the most obvious slap in the face. Countdown from seven, then from 8? Seems pretty made up. Ballsy move, though. But who knows? Maybe he paid a shitload of money for those consecutively reducing numbers. I mean, he does seem to be running a service/business: a hotline for a one or two-day lover. Or maybe the whole thing is meant to be an elaborate prank: giving out the phone numbers of his enemies, and he either wants to confuse them or get them laid – for one and two days, respectively. But this seems rather unlikely.

The world lost the talented brain behind Supermax, Kurt Hauenstein, a few months back, so we’ll probably never know the answers to such questions. RIP.